Kesey's Guide to Irish slang and terminology

Throughout this site, our non-Irish readers may encounter many words or phrases unknown or unfamiliar to them. While making foreigners feel ignorant is a national pastime in most countries, we feel it only fair, in these caring and politically-correct times, to provide some sort of glossary so that Irish and non-Irish alike can fully appreciate our rapier-sharp wit and dry criticism.

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

- A -

- B -

Banjax

(verb) To break or to damage. Usually implies that the damage was done through incompetence rather than malice. Adjective: banjaxed.

Begrudgery

A peculiar disease of the Irish which seemingly renders them unable to to feel good about the success of their fellows. As soon as some Irish man or woman makes a name for themselves at home or abroad, the mutterings start: "Of course, everyone really knows how s/he really got their money." "Sure, isn't the stuff s/he writes all well and good for highfalutin Yank professors, but what does it say to the average Joe Soap in the street?" And so on, ad nauseum.

Begrudgery has a long and venerable history in Ireland. Certainly, it was flourishing in the days of Samuel Johnson who observed that the Irish were a very fair people insofar as they never spoke well of one another. It's possible that the Irish, as a subject people, learned to keep the head down lest some Saxon ruffian happen along and lop it off, and this habit over the centuries lead to them regarding any of their fellows who made attempts to stand out from the crowd with dismay and suspicion. Or perhaps it's just a countrywide version of the "small town" mentality one finds everywhere in the world.

Begrudgery has its upsides. In these days of mindless celebrity-worship, this habit of the Irish-- whose first reflex upon seeing a sacred cow is to attempt to topple it-- can be quite refreshing. There is no scene more satisfying in a pub than to see some fevered ego skilfully deflated by the venomous barb of some sour old begrudger propping up the corner of the bar, whether it be a put-down of Wildean eloquence or merely an exasperated "me bollix!" muttered at just the right time. But there are downsides too. When begrudgery becomes a reflex action, the crooked and the creepy can evade criticism by dismissing any and all inquiries into their affairs as mere begrudgery on the part of the questioner. A former Fianna Fáil Taoiseach, Charles J. Haughey, whose mysterious wealth was a cause of much speculation in the 1970s and 1980s, was recently found to have received millions of pounds in "donations" from the rich and powerful, successfully deflected speculation for years in this manner.

BIFFO

Big Ignorant Fucker From Offaly. Offaly is a county in the south-east of Ireland. A slightly more specific insult than the generic culchie. Also BUFFALO: a Big Ugly Fucker From Around Laois-Offaly.

Blarney

Bullshit.

Bogger, bog-man, bog savage, bog-trotter

see culchie

Bollix

The Irish pronunciation of "bollocks".

Bowsie

(Dublin) Villain, disreputable person. See gurrier.

Brits, the

Perfidious Albion. A generic term of abuse for Britons in general, and the English in particular.

Ireland's less-than-satisfactory relationship with its next-door neighbours began in 1169 when Diarmuid McMurrough, King of Leinster, invited a bunch of Norman barons over for a party and it was nearly eight hundred years before we got the bastards to leave. During that time, we had plantations, wars, famines, and Oliver Cromwell, who is not likely to appear in anybody's Top Ten Ambassadors for British Civilisation list anytime soon. By the time we gave the Saxon invader the shove, the country was in bits, our culture was terminally ill, and all we had to show for the last eight centuries was a bunch of rebel songs, mad relatives in America, and a lot of bad feeling. Once the Brits had left, the Irish government immediately dismantled all the good stuff they left behind (like the road, rail, and canal networks and the fine Georgian architecture in Dublin) and kept all the crap stuff (like their byzantine and unaccountable Civil Service and judiciary). Makes you wonder if there's some truth in those Irish jokes after all.

- C -

Cause, the

Refers to the aim of the Republican movement, i.e. the political unification of the island of Ireland.

Cead mile failte

Céad míle fáilte, `a hundred thousand welcomes' is a traditional Irish greeting, nowadays ritually uttered before ripping off visitors to the country.

Celtic Tiger

The term `Celtic Tiger' was introduced by the writers of financial pages to draw a dubious and crowd-pleasing comparison between the `Tiger' economies of the South Pacific and the boom in Ireland's economy that began in the mid-nineties and continues today. The boom arose because large American IT companies noticed in recession-hit Ireland a large, well-educated, English-speaking potential workforce so cowed by the prospect of a lifetime of unemployment that they were willing to work in very obnoxious conditions for very little money. The venal and corrupt government of Ireland, most of whom would rezone a kiddies playground for use as a knackers' yard and then sell their grandmothers for glue there, collaborated in this exploitation of their electorate. Before long, Ireland's moribund economy was humming and the politicians and those who benefitted most from the boom (mainly managers, property developers, and estate agents) were engaging in an orgy of masturbatory self-congratulation that threatens to overheat said economy; already, Dublin property prices have passed the merely ludicrous and are approaching the insane. We expect Dublin's growing homeless population will find it necessary to take out mortgages on their cardboard boxes soon.

Chiseller

(n.) Child.

Crawthumper

See Holy Joe.

Culchie

Unrefined individual from a rural background, equivalent to `redneck' or `shitkicker' in America. Compare: mulchie, jackeen. The precise derivation of the word is unknown: some hold it to be a corrupted form of the word `agriculture', an activity commonly practiced by our country brethren when not paid not to do so by the EU. Others claim it to be a corruption of Kiltemagh, a small village in County Mayo believed to produce culchies of the highest calibre.

Colleen

From the Irish, cailín: young woman, girl. A perfectly normal Irish word that Irish Americans have unaccountably turned into a first name.

Comely maidens, dancing at crossroads

A reference to a radio speech given by Éamonn de Valera, one of the chief architects of the Republic of Ireland, used to raise a snigger amongst us modern, swinging Celtic Tiger cubs. Funnily enough the words, "comely maidens dancing at the crossroads" don't actually appear in the speech, though it does contain some highly amusing chunks of the political blarney that was fashionable at the time: references to the "contests of sturdy youths" and the like. It was never meant to be some sort of landmark speech, but it has been enshrined as the mission statement of de Valera's Ireland, mainly by the people who want to jeer it.

Personally, while I disagree with de Valera's ideas, I admit that at least he and his peers had some sort of vision for Ireland. Having waded through blood to free their country, they wanted to build something new, not some shadowy generic western democracy in thrall to multinational or European interests. I, for one, would be in favour of an Ireland with comely maidens dancing at the crossroads; it sure would beat the Ireland with ugly scumbags drinking cider at the crossroads that de Valera's political successors have brought into existence.

Cork

Ireland's second-largest city, built on the river Lee in the south of the country. There is no love lost between Cork and Dublin. The Corkonians believe that the Dubs are no-good West Brits who have no business running a Holy Catholic, Gaelic nation and are quite assured that they could do a far better job. The Dubs, for their part, believe that Corkonians are only upstart mulchie bastards, insane with jealousy and years of inbreeding.

Cute

Often used to mean `sly' rather than `good-looking' in Ireland. See cute whoor.

Cute whoor

Irish person, usually male and from a rural background, whose gombeen antics has drawn some grudging admiration from the speaker.

See also one.

Fianna Fáil

Literally, `the Soldiers of Destiny', the largest party in Ireland. Left-centrist with a strong nationalistic slant, the party played a prominent role in the moulding of the modern Irish state. As a result, Fianna Fáilers tend to consider it their right to run the country, despite their regular demonstrations of their unfitness to do so. In the past thirty years, Fianna Fáil have been responsible for such merry pranks as: smuggling arms to terrorists in Northern Ireland, tapping journalists' phones, tapping each others' phones, double-voting, giving out Irish passports in exchange for money, and accepting large bags of cash from prominent businessmen. It's almost got to the stage where merely joining Fianna Fáil is signalling your availability to be bought should you ever hold high office. Nevertheless, a large segment of the Irish electorate continue to vote for these crooked swine on a depressingly regular basis.

Fine Gael

The second-largest party in Ireland, sort of centrist-right in outlook. Founded after the Civil War, Fine Gael started out a bit more right-wing than their present incarnation; in their early days they had a pseudo-militaristic wing modelled on Mussolini's Blackshirts, the Blueshirts. `Blueshirt' is still used as a term of abuse for members of Fine Gael. Fine Gael voters tend to be pillar-of- the-community types, big farmers and the like. Have only been caught occasionally doing crooked things.

Fine thing

An attractive man or woman. See ride, sense 3.

Flagon

Large 2-litre bottle, esp. of cider.

Fleckie

See scumbag. Allegedly, because scumbags continued to affect `Miami Vice' style flecked trousers long after they ceased to be fashionable.

Flootered

see drunk.

Fuck the begrudgers!

See begrudgery. A statement of defiance, often made to boost morale. "Let's get this site up and fuck the begruders!"

- G -

GAA, the

Founded in 1884, the Gaelic Athletic Association is an institution dedicated to fostering Irish games like hurling and Gaelic football. Widely held to be one of the most successful amateur sporting groups in the world. Staffed by ditch-brained sectarian muck savages whose greed and venality is proverbial-- most Irish people reckon GAA stands for Grab All Association. Famous for not permitting non-Gaelic games to be played on their facilities and for banning members of the British security forces in Northern Ireland from joining (a lovely piece of narrow-minded sectarianism that is really going to help the fucking Cause).

Gaelic football

Variant of football played in Ireland that combines the most violent aspects of soccer and rugby and is much more fun than either.

Galway

City in the west of Ireland. Galway is smaller than either Dublin or Cork. Popular weekend destination for hordes of drinkers.

Gansey-load

Lots, plenty. Gansey-- properly geansaí-- is the Irish word for a jumper/ sweater/ pullover/ whatever. Apparently dates back to the rare oul' times when young gasoors would raid orchards; a gansey-load of apples was the amount one could carry by turning up the front of one's jumper to make a sort of pouch.

Gasoor, gasoon, garsoon

Young boy. From the Irish word garsún meaning "boy", possibly derived originally from the French word garçon. Commonly used outside of Dublin.

Gee

(pronounced with a hard "g") The female genitals.

Geebag

Stupid or unpleasant person. See gobshite.

Gee-eyed

Very drunk. See drunk.

Get off the smack!

(Dublin) Expression of contempt or disbelief, uttered in response to an outrageous or obviously false statement. The implication is that the maker of the statement must be on drugs to have made it.

Gick

(n.) Excrement. A favourite song from the author's childhood, sung on school excursions and the like, went as follows (to the tune of Strauss' Blue Danube Waltz):

It runs down your legs!
Gick gick tra-la!
It's brown and it's thick!
Gick gick tra-la!
It makes you so sick!
Gick gick tra-la!

repeated with harmonies, improvisations, etc. until the supervising teacher or bus driver screamed and threatened GBH. Ah, happy days! Who says the ancient Irish art of minstrelry is dead?

Also used in the phrase, "gives me the gick", used to describe something deeply distressing and distasteful, e.g. "those feckin' TDs really give me the gick".

Gobshite

Stupid person. The Irish language has quite a staggering number of colourful and inventive words for describing the mentally inept. It's a sort of specialisation, like the Eskimo language that has sixty words for `snow'; the Irish, having so many idiots in their midst, needed a large number of words to catalogue the gradations of galloping stupidity and imbecility exhibited by their countrymen.

Gombeen

Originally, a gombeen man was a sort of rural loan-shark. Nowadays, it has come to mean just about any sort of petty underhand or corrupt activity (or the mindset possessed by those engaged in such activities) practiced by culchies, e.g. pulling strokes or fiddling EU subsidies.

Gooter

Penis.

Gorman, the

Grangegorman, a psychiatric hospital in Dublin.

Gouger

Aggressive, unpleasant person. See gurrier. Apparently arose from the practice among Dublin criminals of the 19th and early 20th centuries of gouging out the eyes of their victims.

Graw

(from the Irish word grá) Love.

Gurrier

Rough, aggressive person, scumbag. In medieval Dublin, a gurrier or gurryer was, apparently, a worker in the city's leather industry whose job it was to beat the tanned hides so they were supple enough to be worked. Needless to say, a guy whose job it was to whack smelly lumps of dead animal all day long was likely to be a) built like a brick shithouse and b) a few cans short of a six-pack, so the word came to signify any person it was probably better to avoid.

- H -

Hard-chaw

A person who is, or fancies themselves to be, a tough character. The Dublin equivalent of a "wide boy" or a "wiseguy".

Hollow leg

Someone with a great appetite for alcohol is often said to have a hollow leg.

Holy Joe

Sanctimonious person. The Irish are still quite a devout people, the malign influences of the Celtic Tiger and Dublin 4 notwithstanding, but tend to look on overt displays of piety with distaste and suspicion.

Hooley

A loud and particularly riotous party or celebration. Apparently, the word isn't Irish at all; it's Hindustani.

Hurling

The Irish national sport, sort of like hockey on PCP. Hurling involves two teams of fifteen very large culchies beating the crap out of each other with large sticks for 70 minutes. Is that entertainment, or what? Actually, there's a bit more to it than that, involving a leather-covered ball that feels like it's made of concrete and something about scoring goals and points, but when you get down to it, it's about chasing people around a field with a stick. Hurling is meant to be the fastest field game in the world-- and why wouldn't it be, with a stick-wielding muck savage the size of a small car bearing down on you with murder in his piggy eyes? Many Irish people think that hurling was the reason why the Romans never invaded Ireland; they discovered what we did for fun and decided it was better not to see what we did in a fight.

- I -

IFSC

The Irish Financial Services Centre. A large office complex near Dublin's Custom House occupied by big-ass legal firms, financial houses, and other distasteful operations. The Celtic Tiger's dark and beating heart.

Irish Americans

The descendants of those Irish who left the country during the many wars and famines and settled in the US, the Irish Americans tend to have rather quaint and charming notions about their native (sic) land that offer no end of amusement to the inhabitants of Ireland. To an Irish American, Ireland is some mist-shrouded isle of song and story, where hearty old men gather in whitewashed cabins to play cards, drink whisky, and recite a saga or two, popping out occasionally to post a letter to America and bust a cap in a redcoat on the way back. The mere knowledge that people in a faraway land believe this nonsense is of great merriment to the Irish, but Irish Americans are kind enough to actually visit the country, spending great quantities of money to come here so that we can mock them in person!

Irish language

Instrument of torture, employeed in Irish schools but banned in more civilised areas of the world.

Okay, okay. Irish, also known as Gaelic or Erse, is an inflecting Indo-European language belonging to the q-Celtic family of languages that includes Scots Gaelic and Manx. It is distantly related to the p-Celtic languages: Welsh and Breton. Like the other Celtic languages, Irish has seen better days. During Ireland's time as a British colony, the language was under constant attack so that, by the time of the War of Independence, it was in grave danger of dying out altogether. In one of those moves that leaves you wondering about the veracity of Irish jokes, the Irish government set about revivifying the language with such terrifying zeal and pig-ignorant bloody-mindedness that a large segment of the present population of Ireland now actively loathes the language (as opposed to their forefathers who were merely apathetic towards it). It is a sad reflection on the Irish education system that it can teach people Irish for fourteen years without producing any competence in it.

Nvertheless, the Irish language occupies a peculiar blind-spot in the minds of most Irish and foreigners are strongly discouraged from even mentioning the subject. The usual response to an inquiry about the Irish language will result in an hour-long dribbling rant about the various insane and psychotic Irish teachers the Irish person endured in school, interspersed with affirmations of eternal emnity towards the poor language. Despite all this, the average Irish person will defend to his last breath the right to speak Irish badly, which is a victory of a sort, I guess.

Island of Saints and Scholars

Romantic name for Ireland, based on the somewhat erroneous notion that, while the rest of Europe was burning and pillaging its way through the Dark Ages, the `light of learning' was kept alive in the abbeys and monasteries of Ireland. Use of the phrase in a non-ironic fashion will immediately mark you out as a mental defective and a gobshite of the highest calibre.

- J -

Jackeen

Rural term for person from Dublin. Compare: mulchie, culchie.

Jar

Alcoholic drink. "A jar" refers to a single drink (e.g. "Will you have a jar with me?"), whereas "the jar" refers to alcoholic drink in general (e.g. "that fella has a fierce graw for the jar")

Joe Soap

The Irish equivalent of John Doe or John Smith, the archetypal "man in the street".

Joy, the

Mountjoy Prison, Dublin.

- K -

Kerry

County in the south-west of Ireland that figures highly on the average Dubliner's hate-list. The Kerrymen are vocal proponents of the `rural is best' philosophy; therefore, they are all obviously muck savages and gombeen men of the deepest dye. Most Irish jokes told abroad are told in Ireland about Kerrymen.

Knacker

Originally, a person who deals in horses, particularly those in the horse trade responsible for converting old horses into fertiliser and adhesives. Nowadays, the term has lost all descriptive meaning and has become a generic term of abuse for anyone the speaker a) has a problem with and b) considers a good few rungs down the social ladder from themselves, e.g. Northside scumbags and Our Friends In The Travelling Community.

Knacker Drinking

Illegal open-air drinking, usually by underaged kids, in public parks, waste ground, along rivers and canals, etc.

Knights, the

The Knights of St. Columbanus, a right-wing sectarian Catholic organisation. Basically a club for self-important Roman Catholics with fascist tendancies to play at being Freemasons without actually committing the mortal sin of joining that organisation. Many Irish politicians, judges, and senior civil servants down the years have been Knights, though with the increasing secularisation of Irish society, their power is doubtless on the wane.

- L -

Labour Party

The oldest party in the State. Similar to its British cousin in its right-on middle-class power base, but not nearly as polished. The third largest party, it has a habit of doing well in one election, only to join forces with its political enemies in coalition governments, an act which angers its electorate and ensures a humiliating defeat in the next election. Recently merged with the far more radical left-wing party Democratic Left, a union that has left many in both parties unhappy.

Langer

Penis, stupid person. Popular term down Cork way.

Langered, langers

Drunk.

Lash

An attractive man or woman.

Example: "That sister of yours is a right lash."

See also ride, sense 3.

Leaving Cert(ificate)

The final state examination taken by an Irish student before going onto third-level education or going on the scratcher. The Leaving Cert is intimately linked with the points system.

Legal age

By law, an Irish person is allowed to buy and consume alcohol in a public house or off licence when they are 18 years old. However, pubs reserve the right to refuse admission and over-21 and over-23 pubs are not uncommon.

Leitrim

A county in the north-west of Ireland, Leitrim holds the unfortunate record of having the largest percentage of its population in psychiatric care. The mere mention of Leitrim in a Dublin pub is usually good for a snigger or two.

Leprechaun

i. Supernatural being from Irish folklore taking the form of a tiny old shoemaker for reasons not exactly clear. Malicious and mischievous, fond of playing tricks on mortals, a leprechaun can be forced to disclose the location of hidden treasure if caught-- a difficult task, as the folklore credits them with the skill of teleportation. Many gullible Americans journey to Ireland every year in the hope of seeing a leprechaun. Luckily for them, there are many fine shops in Dublin where they can purchase guaranteed-not-to-teleport leprechaun dolls made to a traditional recipe in such renowned Irish strongholds as Hong Kong and Taiwan.

ii. Derogatory term for any Irish person willing to caper around in a stage-Irish manner for the amusement of foreigners. See Oirish.

Limerick

City on the south-east coast of Ireland on the estuary of the Shannon river. The city developed something of a rough reputation in the eighties, when the number of violent incidents involving knives lead to it being nicknamed `Stab City'.

Loyalist

Someone who believes in preserving the cultural and political links between Great Britain and Northern Ireland and who is willing to use force in the fight to preserve these links. A Unionist, on the hand, is someone committed to preserving said links by less violent means. Loyalists and Unionists are mainly of the Protestant tradition. Compare Nationalist, Republican.

- M -

Marching season

Annual period of madness during the summer months in Northern Ireland when members of the unionist community celebrate their culture by marching with pipe bands and banners commemorating loyalist victories of days past. Many of their routes take them through Catholic Nationalist areas; needless to say, the locals aren't exactly pleased to see them. Cue protests, riots, stand-offs with the police, petrol bombings, and clogged airwaves as rabid spokesmen from both traditions try to justify the anarchy perpetrated by their followers while condemning the (identical) anarchy perpetrated by the other side, while representatives of the British and Irish governments stand around looking pained.

Mitching

Playing truant from school. Originally a word in mainstream English, it has dropped out of use outside Ireland.

FALSTAFF. Shall the blessed sun of heaven prove a micher [sic] and eat blackberries?

Henry IV, Part I, Act II, Sc. IV

Muck savage

see culchie.

Mulchie

Individual who hails from a provincial town rather than the country proper; a a culchie with indoor plumbing and a better than even chance of not mating with a blood relative.

- N -

Naggin, noggin

Small bottle of spirits.

Nationalist

See Republican.

Northern Ireland

The six most north-easterly counties of the old Irish province of Ulster that are still part of the United Kingdom. Ulster was the last old Irish kingdom to fall under British control as it was full of psychopath clans like the O'Neills and the O'Donnells, whose idea of a good Christmas present was your enemy's head on a stick. Once subjugated, the Brits wanted to make damn sure Ulster stayed subjugated and planted it with their own psychopaths, i.e. Calvinist Presbyterians from Scotland, a move that wasn't exactly appreciated by the existing Catholic population. Three hundred years later, they're still beating the shit out of each other up there.

Nixer

An unofficial one-off job done without the knowledge of the Revenue. Example: "Jim's company wanted a Web site so I did a nixer for them at the weekend".

Often a nixer is done for payment in kind rather than for cash. A bottle of whisky is common reimbursment.

- O -

Oirish

Derogatory term for any `stage-Irish' or stereotypical behaviour put on for the purposes of ingratiating oneself with or obtaining money from foreigners. See leprechaun, sense (ii).

One

Often pronounced "wan"; a person of the female sex. Usually qualified, e.g. "young one", "oul' one".Note the use of the article: "A young one" or "An oul' one" can refer to any young or old female of the speaker's acquaintance, but "the young one" refers to the speaker's girlfriend or daughter, while "the oul' one" refers to his wife or his or her mother. (This is a common feature of Irish speech, using "the" rather than a possessive pronoun like "my" or "your". "How's the brother?" "He's grand, but the sister has me tormented.")

See fella.

Opening hours

Until recently, pubs were open until 11:30pm Monday-Saturday and until 11:00pm on Sunday evenings during summertime (roughly May-October) and until 11:00pm at other times of the year. All pubs close for two hours on Sunday afternoon; this was called the Holy Hour.

New legislation has liberalised the situation somewhat. Pubs are now allowed to stay open until 12:30am on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights, and 11:30pm every other night of the week. The Holy Hour on Sunday has been abolished.

Orange Order

A Unionist, Protestant sectarian organisation, most often associated with Northern Ireland, but with lodges in the Republic and worldwide. Named after King William of Orange, the Protestant king who defeated the Catholic King James II at the Battle of the Boyne. The cliché Orangeman-- the viciously incorrigible anti-Catholic bigot, attired in sash and bowler hat, defending his right to march where he's not wanted-- is a common bogeyman in Republican propaganda.

Despite professing loyalty to the Crown of Great Britain, most governments could do without the sort of activities that the Orange Order engage in to profess their loyalty. As far back as 1813, their carry-on was described as

a spurious and illiberal loyalty which grows up amongst the vulgar classes, and which is very turbulent, bigoted, riotous and affronting, very saucy, and overbearing, almost proud of transgression, necessarily producing exasperation, and often leading to the effusion of blood.

Baron Smith, in a letter to Sir William Gregory, 4 September 1813. Quoted in Modern Ireland 1600-1972 by R.F. Foster

Ossified

see drunk.

Oul'

Dublin pronunciation of "old".

Our friends in the travelling community

Ironic term for the Travellers, an ethnic minority in Ireland, who live in caravans and move from place to place (generally moved on by irate homeowners). Like most minorities, a lot of hand-wringing is done over what to call them. Like the `African- Americans' in the US, no sooner is one politically-correct ephithet coined to describe them, but it almost immediately becomes pejorative. The term `itinerant' was used while this author was growing up, but has been since declared to be beyond the pale. Irish people who don't give a shit about PC refer to travellers as tinkers or knackers. The Travellers have their own language called Sheldru, which, like most native languages, is in decline. They have large close-knit families; arranged marriages are still common, and feuds between families can get quite vicious. Many are illiterate, alcholism is common, and their life expectancy is far lower than that of the "settled community". They make their living dealing in scrap and begging.

Any foreign visitor in Ireland subjected to a self-congratulatory monologue by an Irish bore on what a charitable and Christian country Ireland is should immediately ask for that person's opinions on the Travellers. You will be subjected to a fearsome barrage of bile and blind hyprocrisy that will keep you chuckling long after you return to your native shores.

- P -

Parlatic

see drunk.

PAYE

Pay As You Earn. Most Irish people who are not self-employed are in the PAYE net, which means that the tax on their incomes, along with their social insurance contributions, are deducted at source. Thus, they are easy, pliant marks for the Revenue.

Plastered

see drunk.

Points system

Feature of the Irish education system that foreigners are best knowing very little (preferably nothing) about. However, we offer the following explanation for the very brave or the very stupid:

For many years in Ireland, the sluggish economy made finding a job very difficult. For the few jobs there were, employers raised the qualifications required in order to winnow the horde of hopeful applicants down to a sensible number. This continued until you needed a PhD to muck out the toilets in a brothel. The only choice was to stay in the education system until you got tired and emigrated (thus absolving the government from having to do anything about the situation) or until you found a company to fund your doctoral research in Brothel Sanitary System Hygiene Management. Pretty soon, the number of available University places was exceeded by the number of people leaving the secondary school system. Whereas before a potential University student applied to the institution where they were interested in studying, a Central Admissions Office was set up to torment students with incomprehensible application forms. A student's results in the Leaving Certificate examination were converted into points. Each course offered by each third-level institution was assigned a points score based on demand for that course. If the student failed to obtain that number of points, they were ineligible for the course.

Competition is high. A kind of industry has grown up around this so-called `points race' where windbag reporters with dubious qualifications try to increase the circulation of their newspapers by writing panic-mongering series of articles implying that failure to secure a place in a third-level course can only result in a spiral into penury, substance abuse, and slow suicide. Thus, many visitors to Ireland at the start of the year may be somewhat bemused to see the usual front-page newspaper stories of corruption, atrocity, and mass-murder relegated to the back pages while self-appointed experts discuss the future of the current group of Leaving Cert students in hushed tones guaranteed to generate the most fear.

From the above, it should be obvious to everyone planning to visit Ireland that it is a very bad mistake to engage an Irish person in any discussion of the Irish education system.

Politics

A very bad topic of conversation in a pub.

Poteen

Properly poitín: Irish moonshine. Usually made from grain or potatoes, poitín is essentially whisky that's not aged before it's drunk. Illegal in its country of origin, emasculated versions are often offered for sale to tourists in Irish airports. Like most illicit spirits, poitín can vary wildly in quality, ranging from stuff that rivals commercial whiskys in flavour and drinkability to paint stripper that will induce the worst sort of I-want-to-die hangover in even the sturdiest souls. Your mileage, as they say, may vary. Proceed with caution.

Progressive Democrats

The PDs are the newest political party in Ireland and the smallest, formed during in the eighties when a bunch of politicians left Fianna Fáil when the stench of corruption there got just a tad too strong. As a result, the PDs claim to occupy the high moral ground in Irish politics, despite their enthusiasm for leaping into bed with their former party-mates on the slightest provocation to form coalition governments. The truth is they hold the moral high ground simply because they are too small and insignificant to be worth bribing.

Their name is somewhat misleading; they are neither very progressive nor democratic. Instead, they peddle a wishy-washy form of right-wing Thatcherism to young Celtic Tiger cubs and other self-obsessed lowlifes.

- Q -

- R -

RA, the

Short for IRA, the Irish Republican Army, a nationalist paramiltary group responsible for a lot of the Troubles in Northern Ireland. Often heard in the phrase `up the RA!', a phrase often shouted by the same sort of people who sing rebel songs.

Rapid

(adj.) Usually pronounced-- and sometimes spelt-- "rappa". Good, wonderful. See deadly.

Rat-arsed

see drunk.

Rare oul' times

Mythical period (but generally held to be sometime between the thirties and the fifties) forever alluded to by Dublin bores when people were happy despite-- no, because of-- being crammed ten or twenty to a room in condemned tenement buildings, watching friends and relatives die of tuberculosis and cholera while alchoholic fathers drank the wages and beat their wives. Mention of the rare oul' times in non-ironic tones is grounds for murder in many parts of Dublin.

Rebel song

Traditional Irish lyric that celebrates the fun jolly Irishmen had assassinating perfidious Britons while they occupied our country. A good rebel song will set the scene by enumerating the nefarious deeds of some cowardly moustache-twirling Englishman against the Irish peasantry before moving to the gripping details of his murder proper, and finishing with the rousing speech the guilty Irish patriot gave from the dock before being led off by the redcoats to be executed in some ingeniously bloodthirsty fashion. Alternatively, the rebel song may conclude with the lament of the patriot's grey-haired mother or his colleen as she sees her son's/ lover's body dumped into the lime pit; this embellishment is an optional extra, and is not required by Irish law.

The rebel song operates on the principle that eight hundred years of dispossession, violence, and ethnic cleansing against the Irish people were a small price to pay for all the enjoyment the Brits gave us, really, when you think about it. We wouldn't have so many great rebel songs to sing for a start.

There is a law of the Universe that states that those who sing rebel songs can never remember more than the first verse and the chorus and who will therefore repeat both endlessly and tunelessly until drink renders them mute or a fight starts, whichever happens first.

Republican

Person who believes in and strives for the eventual re-unification of the island of Ireland. The term "Republican" is generally used to refer to those who believe in the use of force to further this aim, while the term "Nationalist" is used to describe those who prefer to use political means to achieve this. In Northern Ireland, most Republicans and Nationalists come from a Roman Catholic background.

Revenue, the

The Revenue Commissioners, Ireland's tax collectors. While the representatives of any such organisation in any country are going to be a mite unpopular with the general public, the employees of the Irish Revenue Commissioners are particularly vile examples of the breed. Famously enthusiastic in their prosecution of Social Welfare cheats-- God forbid some working-class miscreant diddle the State out of a tenner's worth of butter vouchers!-- and PAYE workers, they are studiously low-profile when any of the so-called Irish Quality are caught stashing their swag in the Caymen Islands. Frankly, the only way to make these crooked, hypocritical pigfuckers popular in any way would be to shoot the lot of them in the head and hang their stinking carcasses from the lamp posts of Dublin for the city's dogs to worry. That way, at least the dogs might have something good to say about them (even if it's only, "tasted worse").

Update, June 2001: The Revenue have done it again! Despite swearing black and blue that the tax-dodgers' amnesty of 1993 was the last one ever, cross-our-hearts-hope-to-die, and anyone caught with hot money thereafter was looking at a stretch in the Joy, despite the fact that the country has now enough money to hire extra investigators to give the cheats an auditing they're not likely to forget, despite all this, they're offering another tax amnesty! Beautiful! Why bother to pretend anymore? The Revenue are revealed as nothing more than criminal bagmen for their masters.

Ride

1. (verb) To copulate, have sex

2. (noun) An act of sexual intercourse. Heard in the traditional chat-up line: "I suppose a ride is out of the question?"

3. (noun) A sexually-attractive person, male or female. "Jaysus, that young wan is a right little ride."

Note to visiting Americans: what you call a "ride", we call a "lift". Use of the word "ride" while in Ireland will only lead to much merriment at your expense.

- S -

Scabby leg

As in, "He/she would lick whisky off a scabby leg." Said of a person whose appetite for alcohol exceeds all bounds of taste and decorum.

Scobie

See scumbag.

Scratcher, the

Dublin slang for Social Welfare payment, the dole.

Scumbag

The term `scumbag' has quite a specific meaning in Dublin, compared to its role as a generalised term of abuse elsewhere. A scumbag refers to those individuals, seen in every Western country (and in other countries too, where they're generally running the place) whose job it is to hang around in corners in groups, menacingly asking passersby what they think they're looking at.

The generic Dublin scumbag is from a working-class neighbourhood, often on the Northside (see Dublin), or the rebel offspring of a middle-class household doing their utmost to piss off their parents. The generic scumbag usually wears sports clothing (the larger the logo, the better. The jerseys worn by British soccer clubs are also very popular) and a pair of running shoes so futuristic they look like a ray gun from Star Trek. Gold chains and sovereign rings are very much the `in' things for an about-the-town scumbag to be wearing. In other words, our scumbag chums are attempting to look as much as possible like gangsta rappers, pasty Irish complexions notwithstanding. The generic scumbag will be unable to utter two consecutive words without using the word `fuck'; indeed, he may infuckingsert the F-word into any polyfuckingsyllabic words he speaks, just to be sure. If the scumbag asks you what you're looking at (sorry, fuckin' looking at), prepare to run very quickly.